Side Effects
by Revan's split personality
Summary: Random drabbles, mostly centered around dialogue. Coarse language. Rating may be upped, depending on future chapters. Possibility of future chapters pending. Locked doors are annoying.
1. Chapter 1

Just some crap borne of boredom. Not my best, I'll admit. Review if you want.

* * *

Commander Jane Shepard knew that she _wasn't_ going to have an easy time finding Garrus the moment she walked into Chora's Den. You know, Saren's assassins aside. They were puddles of green radioactive sludge now, so that was all good. She stuck her assault rifle on her back and cursed as it promptly clattered to the floor. 

"Damn Velcro…" She picked it up and decided she would look cooler just carrying the damn thing. "Right. Let's just find Harkin and get the hell outta this place." Alenko and Williams acknowledged her order and followed closely behind as she shoved patrons violently out of her way.

This wasn't her sort of place, from the dim, seedy lighting to the more than half naked Asaris flailing around like drug addicts in the midst of a narcotic induced seizure. A dangerous scowl made its way onto her pale face, and she found that she was having to shove less and less people out of her way on account of the fact that they were beginning to flee from her. It was almost enough to make her smile.

She was halfway around the circular room before she spotted a human male in a C-Sec uniform. Judging from his haggard, drunken appearance that radiated failure on all levels, she assumed it was Harkin. She approached, unconsciously stroking the Velcro strip on the side of her rife.

"Harkin?"

The man leered at her with watery red-rimmed eyes and smiled smarmily. "Hey babe. That uniform looks hot on that bod of yours." His smile widened as his eyes wandered over her figure. Her stony expression didn't falter. "Why don't you sit that pretty ass down and let me buy you a drink. See where this goes."

"I'd rather drink a cup of acid after chewing on a razorblade." She replied coldly, glaring dangerously. The man laughed.

"I've been called every name you can think of. You'll have to try better than that."

She sneered. "Maybe next time you shouldn't cut me off. As I was_saying_, I'd rather drink a cup of acid after chewing on a razor blade, all of which I'd do after shooting your fucking balls off." She raised her rifle and pointed it at his crotch. Alenko and Williams exchanged disturbed glances before drawing their respective weapons. Hey, _they_ weren't the ones who would get in shit. They were just following orders.

Harkin's face paled significantly. "H-hey! Put that down, already! What d'you want from me?"

Shepard lowered her gun and scowled. "I was told that you know where to find Garrus Vakarian."

"Oh, yeah." The man pulled out a cell phone and pressed a button on the side. "Yo, where you at?"

"Bitch, you _know_ where I'm at. Where you at?" A deep turian voice crackled over the phone.

"Haaa, you KNOW where I'm at!"

Shepard furrowed her brows, wondering what the hell _that_ was all about. Harkin made a strange sign with his hand and stuck his tongue out before shoving the phone back into his pocket. "Hey, you're Shepard, aren't you?"

She gave him a stern slap upside the head. "That's _Commander_ Shepard to you, shitbag. Now tell me where Vakarian is before I lose my temper and blast your ass into a puddle of radioactive shit."

"Wait! Didn't Captain Anderson tell you?"

Shepard sighed exasperatedly. " Tell me _what_, Harkin?"

"About how he was the first ever human Specter!" Harkin sat up straighter, a malicious glint in his disgusting little bug eyes. Shepard blinked while taking a moment to process the new information presented to her.

::AUDIO INPUT SOURCE: HARKIN

::CLASSIFICATION: HUMAN, C-SEC OFFICER, GENERAL FAILURE

::NEW INFORMATION: CAPTAIN ANDERSON

IMMEDIATE SUPERIOR OFFICER

-FIRST HUMAN SPECTER-

::RELEVANCE: …

CALCULATING

….

0 PERCENT

::PROCESSING::

::PROCESSING::

::PROCESSING::

::NEW INFORMATION STORED UNDER 'USELESS WORM BANTER'::

Shepard blinked slowly. "I don't care. Where's Vakarian?"

Harkin seemed to be a bit taken aback at Shepard's complete uninterest. "But don't you want to know what happened? Why he isn't one now? It's all related, don't you see?"

There was another pause. "No, I don't see, because it isn't related to anything at all. Where is Vakarian?"

"Well, I'm gonna tell you anyways, because I think you really do want to know. See, Anderson was sent on a mission with that other turian Specter Saren, but he fucked it up and it went to hell, so his rank as Specter was revoked and the Council decided that humans still weren't ready."

Shepard sneered and put her rifle to his head. "If you don't tell me where Vakarian is, I'm going to revoke your rank as a living being."

Harking whimpered, and Shepard swore he pissed himself. "All right! He went to Dr. Michele's clinic in the upper wards!"

Shepard pulled back and slapped the rifle to her back. Once again, the Velcro didn't hold and the weapon clattered to the ground. "Oh, god DAMNIT!" She picked up her weapon once again, muttering dark and evil things under her breath. She glanced behind her to see Harking ogling her ass. She quickly stood up and bashed him soundly in the side of the head with the butt of her rifle.

"Nice one, Commander." Williams chuckled. Alenko raised an eyebrow.

"Was that really necessary, Commander?"

"Yes. Yes it was." She proceeded to root through his pockets, taking everything of value.

She received forty credits, a cell phone, and a half eaten cream cheese danish. "Sweet."

"Was_that_ really necessary?" Now both of Kaiden's eyebrows were raised.

"Once again, yes, it was. He was an ass, and I believe in vigilantism. And karma. And whatever else conveniently supports my actions." Williams walked over and poked at Harkin's new flesh wound.

"He's bleeding pretty heavily. Do you think we should put a little medgel on that?"

"Naw." Shepard took a bite out of the danish. "He'll be _fine_. Besides, there isn't any witnesses." She looked dangerously around the place, and everybody who was watching quickly went back to their own business. She let out a contented huff before turning back to her team. "Let's go to the med clinic already."

With that, they left, leaving the bleeding Harkin behind, completely danishless.


	2. Chapter 2

-1A brief word of warning: these aren't in any particular order. This statement will be self-evident soon enough.

"Hmm, let's see…" The sound of shuffling papers could be heard in the background, punctuated by an occasional bout of dry, racking coughs. "What about Commander Shepard? She was a spacer; both her parents enlisted. She spent most of her life moving from ship to ship."

"What the hell does that have to do with anything, Udina?" Captain Anderson's voice cut in.

"Mobility and adaptability and flexibility and…you know…other important stuff." He covered his defensiveness awkwardly by tapping the sheaf of papers loudly against the tabletop.

"She was the only one who survived that one thing on that one planet." Admiral Hackett fell into another fit of coughing. "Damnit…my voice is never going to be the same after this."

"I was going to say something, but figured it was a touchy subject. Too bad. You had the finest crooner voice out of all the admirals."

"Shut up, Udina." Hackett croaked angrily. "And I was going to finally try out for Human Idol. Damnit!"

"Okay! Enough!" Anderson sighed in frustration. "What was the name of the battle she fought in?"

"Damned if I know." Hackett paused long enough to hack up a lung. "Ugh. It's not like we could find it in all _that_, anyway. Why did you bring in a tree's worth of paper when you could have downloaded her profile onto a USD?"

"USD?" Anderson replied sarcastically.

"USD, DVD, EPA, whatever." Hackett grumbled angrily. "Isn't it USD? Bah! I'm not paid enough to put up with all this technological razzle-dazzle."

"Razzle-dazzle? What time period are you living in, exactly?"

"The same time period where people name their children _Udina_." The admiral shot back tersely. "Anyway, back to business, _please_."

"Well, she knows how to get the job done, that's for damn sure." Anderson clucked his tongue in approval.

"Yeah. By getting everyone _else_ to do the fighting and dying." Udina scoffed.

"She made a tough call back there on What's-It's-Name." Hackett interjected. "That battle probably may or may not have been won or lost because of or regardless of her actions!"

There was a brief silence, which was brought to a succinct end by Hackett's coughing.

"I'm going to get a fucking Vicks." Footsteps were heard fading into the background.

"Anderson, is she really who we want defending the galaxy?"

"She's the only person who _can_."

"…but she's a _psycho_!"

"…I can't argue with that."

Shepard punched her fist into the wall in anger. " I can HEAR you, you morons!"

She heard someone say 'shit' before the soft blip of a comm channel being closed was heard. Shepard smacked her hand to her forehead.

"And I'm fighting to _protect_ this." With a heavy sigh, she turned back to watch Earth shrink into the distance at an almost alarming rate.

"Idiots…"


	3. Chapter 3

Right! I thought it was about time for a third chapter! Funny how I always write these things when I have homework to do...

Disclaimer (because it's about bloody time): Everything belongs to people other than me. By 'other people' I mean 'Bioware' and other respective owners. Thanks for making up an awesome universe full of awesome characters for me to twist and corrupt into something evil and vaguely humorous! Yay!

* * *

Shepard sighed heavily, trying her best to keep her eyes open. It wouldn't make a very good first impression if she fell asleep while _standing_ in front of the Council. She briefly checked her wrist, which normally had a watch strapped tightly around it. Not this time. She just bought some sweet-ass heavy armor, and the watch strap wasn't long enough to fit around it, so she had taken it into a small shop to have it extended. She rolled her eyes, much to the displeasure of Udina. She briefly contemplated how he managed to catch every little 'inappropriate' thing she did while managing to disappear mysteriously the moment she did something noteworthy. She crossed her arms and began to tap her foot loudly as the turian councilman began his part of the horrendously long Specter Induction Speech™. 

"Specters are exceptional individuals who represent the best their race have to offer!" He bellowed melodramatically, gesturing widely with his arms and left foot. "Specters aren't made…they're born!"

"If my parent's didn't take the time to _make_ me in the back of that theater, I wouldn't have been _born_ in the first place." Shepard muttered darkly, fully aware of what the turian meant. Apparently, she muttered in her outdoor voice, because everyone grew silent and stared at her with expressions that didn't exude any sort of positive emotions.

"What was that, _Commander_?" The turian narrowed his eyes at her (well, she sort of assumed, since his eyes were kind of small) and the councilman was a fair distance away), a darkly suspicious sound to his voice.

Shepard faked a cough into the back of one hand while looking around furtively. "Oh, nothing. Just something in my throat." She flashed them a toothy grin, ignoring the withering glares she was receiving from the Council and Udina. She cleared her throat nervously and glanced at her wrist again. "Oh, look at the time! It's already half past green!" She pointed to her wrist, which was indeed covered with green armor. " Funny how time flies during long-winded speeches, eh?" She tittered in a rather frantic tone before blathering on. "Well, I'm sure that there are things you have to get done, seeing as how you're the Council and, well, I'm sure that you're kept rather busy on a day to day basis with all the things you have to do for the people who as you to do things and stuff, so, it's an honor to be the first human Specter and I don't plan to let you down and, well, all that other shit you expect me to say! I hate to just run along like this, but there are things to do, people to hunt down and slaughter without mercy, ya know? So thanks for everything! I'll talk to you later, I'm sure!"

She had begun to usher her party members down the steps as she spoke, and ended up bellowing over her shoulder from the bottom of the stairs while continuing to shove Alenko and Williams along. She pointedly ignored their annoyed cries and pushed them in the elevator's general direction.

"Hey! Look at that guy!" Williams took a few quick steps so she was outside of Shepard's reach and pointed at a nearby salarian who was to engrossed staring at a Keeper to notice Williams all but screaming about him.

Alenko dug his heels into the floor and stared off in the opposite direction. "What guy?"

Shepard let her shoulders sag in defeat, and pinched the bridge of her nose. Williams walked over, grabbed either side of Alenko's head, and wrenched it sideways until he was looking in the right direction.

"Oh! That guy!" He replied, seemingly oblivious to the fact that his neck was bending at a completely unnatural angle. "What about him? You think he's hot or something?"

"What!? No!!" Williams seemed repulsed at the very idea. "Look at what he's doing to that Keeper!"

"Holy crap." Shepard deadpanned as she looked at the salarian. "He's looking at it. How could he."

Williams huffed angrily. "Look! He's doing something with that scanner!" She had gotten uncomfortably close to Shepard and was whispering in her ear. Shepard, who was thoroughly creeped out by it, whacked Williams in the face with the back of her fist.

"Don't ever get that close to me again." Shepard hissed, pointing at Williams menacingly. Williams was to busy tilting her head back and pinching the bridge of her now bleeding nose to notice. "Oh no, he's scanning the Keepers. What the hell do you want me to do about it!?"

"Well, it _is_ against the law, ma'am." Alenko replied, snapping his neck back into a more natural position.

"Yeah, but he's just _scanning_ it." She gestured towards the man, who was happily pressing buttons on his little scanner. "It's not like he's touching it inappropriately or something. Besides, even if he was, _we're_ not here to investigate Keeper sexual abuse! All we could do is report it and move along! And, as I have previously mentioned, he is NOT doing anything of the sort!"

"What if he's making some sort of nasty Keeper porn or something?" Williams had managed to staunch the bleeding enough to speak. "I should just go over there and punch the bastard's eye out!"

" 'Nasty Keeper porn'?" Shepard replied skeptically. "First off, all the stupid thing is doing is working at a console. Secondly, I don't think there's much of a market for Keeper porn." Williams pouted angrily. "He's not doing anything explicitly wrong, so let's just leave the stupid bastard alone, m'kay?"

"Are you sure we should do that?"

Shepard turned to Alenko, her eye twitching. "Yes. Quite sure."

"Oh come _on_ Commander!" Williams threw her arms up into the air in frustration. "What's the use of being a Specter if you don't open up a can of whoopass once in a while?"

"No!" Shepard crossed her arms angrily and scowled.

"Come on, ma'am!" Alenko chimed in. "Think of it as testing your new abilities as a Specter!"

Shepard rolled her eyes and sneered. "Fine! If it'll make you two morons shut up, then fine! I'll talk to the goddamn scanner guy!"

Williams grinned and gave Alenko a small nudge. "Peer pressure works every time, L.T."

"_Peer_ pressure?" Shepard echoed sarcastically. "Since when did you become my bloody _peer_?"

Williams sneered angrily. "Sorry _ma'am_." She spat back dryly.

"Apology accepted, _whore_." Shepard replied humorlessly. She strode over and stood in front of the salarian, arms akimbo. Like, she stood_right_ in front on him. The salarian took a few steps backwards and looked around nervously.

"Yes, can I help you?"

"What are you doing with that scanner?" Shepard barked, tactful as usual. The salarian hid the scanner behind his back and did a very bad impression of a nonchalant shrug.

"Scanning? Who's scanning? I'm not scanning."

"Don't you lie to us!" Williams stepped over and jabbed a finger at one of his very large eyes. "We saw you scanning this Keeper!" Williams bent down and hugged the Keeper, which kept working away at it's console. A nearby Avina console activated.

"Please do not disturb the Keepers."

Williams flipped the VI the bird. "Piss off!"

"Please do not disturb the Keepers." Shepard rolled her eyes and hauled Williams off the poor creature.

"I, uh, really don't think I should tell you about it…" The salarian rubbed the back of his head while shooting Williams disturbed glances. She snorted derisively in response. Shepard sighed tiredly.

"Let's examine the situation objectively, shall we?" Shepard paused to look the salarian over. "You have a scanner." She glanced at her team members, standing on either side of her. "We have heavy weaponry. Unless you think you can scan us to death before we draw our weapons, I suggest you talk."

The salarian swallowed hard. "Well, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to tell you."

"It'll damn well hurt if you don't." Shepard spat angrily, resting a hand on her pistol.

"Yes, I'm sure." The salarian wrung his hands nervously. "Well, a colleague of mine and I managed were working for a company. We found a prototype scanner that was capable of scanning things that couldn't have been scanned before, so we…we stole it. After a few alterations, we came up with a model that was capable of scanning the Keepers."

The was a pause. Shepard raised her eyebrows skeptically. "And?"

The salarian looked confused. "Don't you see?"

"See what?" Williams asked, sounding perplexed. "Did I miss something?"

The salarian rolled his eyes at the stupid humans. "They've never been able to scan the Keepers before, and we weren't allowed to get samples! They self-destruct when you try to dissect them, you know." The salarian shuddered. "We lost a lot of good men that day…anyway, with this information, we'll finally be able to find out where the Keepers came from!"

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?" Shepard asked, looking just as confused as Williams. The salarian simply shrugged in response.

"I don't know. I figured I could find that out after I got all the information I needed."

Shepard thought for a moment. "And how much information do you need?"

"About twenty-one more unique scans. Why?"

Shepard grinned in a most unpleasant manner. "I can help you. I'm a Specter, so I can do whatever the hell I want, including scanning the bugs without getting into trouble."

The salarian's eyes grew wide. "You'd do that for me?"

"For a price, of course."

The salarian nodded vehemently. "Oh, of course! Here, just press this button here to scan any Keepers you come across, and the information will be uploaded directly to my database! I'll make sure to send credits your way after every unique scan."

"You better…" Shepard grumbled darkly while looking over the scanner. The button he had pointed out was a large green one. Right beside it was a smaller blue one. "What does this button do?"

"No! Don't push that one!" The salarian made to snatch the scanner back, but Shepard held it away from his grasp.

"Why not?"

The salarian gave up and sighed. "Bad things'll happen, okay? Just…just don't press that button."

Shepard stared at the button for a long while. "Feh. Fine." She looked at the scanner for a few more moments. " Well, I'll get to it, then."

"Yes, good luck!"

"Ah, shut up, you molester." Williams hissed. Shepard gave her a good smack to the face, which started her nose bleeding again. "Shit! I need Kleenex!"

"Suck it up, wuss." Shepard growled before making her way to the elevator. She pressed the down button and did her best to tune out the insipid music being pumped into the small room. She examined the scanner closely. "I wonder if it works on other things as well." She turned to Alenko, who looked quite alarmed, and pressed the green button. There were a couple of soft blips, punctuated by a shrill beep. "Huh. It says you have emotional issues."

Alenko scowled and crossed his arms, looking out the large glass windows of the elevator.

"Ha! That thing's _good_!" Williams chuckled, giving Alenko a punch on the shoulder.

"Shut up, you." Shepard turned and glared at her. "I hate you _so much_."

"Nice to know I'm loved, ma'am." Williams replied dryly.

"Next time I'm just going to shoot your fucking nose _off_." The elevator doors inched themselves open and the three made their way forward, keeping their eyes open for Keepers.


	4. Chapter 4

Yay! Another chapter done! Please tell me if you see any mistakes, and if you have any comments, suggestions, or issues pertaining to the story. Sorry, I'm not a psychiatrist. And is it juts me, or does this site have issues with deleting spaces before and after words in italics? Maybe it's just me. I dunno.

* * *

Commander Shepard stared at the shimmering holographic map of the galaxy blankly, her arms crossed loosely across her chest in a gesture of plain boredom. She chewed on her bottom lip and squinted at the choices before her. She let out a short puff of air before covering her eyes with one hand and flinging her other around wildly while reciting a poem.

"Einey, meenie, miney, moe…catch a tiger by the toe. If it hollers, let it go, einey, meenie, miney….MOE!" She stopped her hand and slowly uncovered one eye. "Joker, we have our new heading!"

"So I heard, Commander." He replied sarcastically over the intercom system. "I'm sure you were promoted because of your impressive decision-making skills. I know I'm impressed. So impartial. Besides, it's not like we have anything _important_ to do, or anywhere _ important_ to go."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "Shut up and go, or I'm going to break your legs like a couple of dried up twigs."

"Aye aye, ma'am."

It took them half an hour to arrive at Eletania, a planet in the Hercules System within the Attican Beta Cluster. She had been staring blankly at the map during the entire time, apparently not noticing the disturbed glances the crew would cast in her direction from time to time. She jumped violently as Joker's voice came back on the intercom.

"There's a message for you from Admiral Hackett."

"Shit." She mumbled darkly under her breath, scowling. "He better not patch it through."

"Patching it through."

"SHIT!"

"Commander Shepard." Admiral Hackett's gravely voice came loudly over the intercom, causing Shepard to cringe. "We've received a signal from a module that has been lost on the surface of a planet somewhere within the Hercules System. We're not sure which one."

"Hmm. Oh really." Shepard looked at her nails in boredom. "Yeah. How convenient that we just happen to be here, and that there's only one planet you can land on. Yes, I can understand why you wouldn't be able to look into this before now. Yeah."

"Yes, I know." He replied, completely serious. "You should go get it. Now."

Shepard sighed. "Ugh! Fine!" She rolled her eyes and fingered the comm system.

"…good. Hackett out. For now." He added ominously, cackling. The crew members looked at each other in confusion and fear, wondering what the hell was wrong with him, and began to whisper quietly to each other. Shepard frowned and cleared her throat.

"You can probably close the comm channel now, admiral."

There was silence on the other side. "…oh shit." The communication link was closed, and Shepard smacked her hand to her forehead.

"Idiot." Shepard grumbled, opening the ship's comm channels. "Alenko, Vakarian, get suited up." She stalked off to her locker, spewing out a healthy string of expletives under her breath all the way there, while she was getting geared up, and all to the way to the hangar. Alenko and Vakarian were already there, waiting for her.

"Are you okay, ma'am?" Kaiden gave her a concerned look. She forced a smile onto her face.

"Oh, yeah. Peachy." She ushered them into the Mako climbed in behind them, shooing Kaiden out of the driver's seat. "I'm driving today."

"Oh god…" Kaiden made to get out, but Shepard stopped him with an icy glare and a strong grip on his arm.

"Do you have an issue with my driving skills?" She asked, her voice laced with venomous rage. Kaiden gulped.

* * *

"_Holy SHIT!" Kaiden braced himself against the door of the Mako and clenched his eyes shut. "I don't want to die!"_

"_Oh, shut up, you baby!" Shepard growled, clenching the steering wheel so hard she left permanent indentations in the wheel. "You're not going to die!" The Mako was thrown around viciously as she drove over a small pile of boulders while going full speed. "YEAH!"_

"_You're a freaking _psycho!_" Williams screamed from the back, bracing herself against the two front seats. _

"_I thought I told you to SHUT UP!" Shepard stomped on the brakes, causing Williams to fly to the front of the vehicle an faceplant the windshield. Fortunate for her, she was wearing her helmet._

"_Gurr…" Williams slurred, seeming to be only half conscious. Alenko tightened his restraining belts and gripped the side door as tightly as humanly possible. Shepard stomped on he gas, and Williams went flying back to her seat, where she laid in a heap, gurgling occasionally. Alenko looked back at her, concerned for her health._

"_Uh, I think you might have really hurt her…" He stated hesitantly, unsure of how she would react. Shepard shrugged nonchalantly. _

"I_ didn't hurt her, physics did. And object in motion stays in motion, until it's head rams into an unbreakable windshield." _

"_Whatever you say, ma'am." Alenko replied, a bit disturbed by her complete and utter lack of caring. He looked out the windshield to see a beautiful, deep canyon spread out before them. He also saw the edge of the canyon wall right in front of them, and noticed that Shepard wasn't slowing down. "Uh, Commander, the ground sort of _stops_ right there."_

"_I know." She replied, smiling widely._

"_Shouldn't you, you know, slow down, or stop, or turn or something?"_

_She was silent for a moment. "Probably."_

_Alenko got increasingly edgy the closer they got to the edge of the cliff. He was. At that point, frantic. "Stop! Oh god, STOP!"_

_Shepard just laughed as she drove off the cliff, ignoring Alenko's cries of objection. _

"_You ARE psycho!" He yelled angrily, pushing himself away from the windshield in an unconscious attempt to escape the rapidly approaching ground. _

"_Oh, settle down!" _

_He looked over at Shepard, who was leaning back and just enjoying the view of death rushing towards them. _

"_Beautiful view, isn't it?" She commented lightly. Alenko began to claw at the roof. "Stop that! I don't want you to ruin the upholstery."_

"_What upholstery?!" He knocked against the roof. "It's METAL!"_

_Shepard sighed. "Don't you ever relax?"_

"_Not while I'm falling off a CLIFF!" He tried to open the doors, but they automatically locked when the vehicle was in motion, so he was out of luck. He sat back in his seat and stared out the windshield dully. "I never thought that this was how I was going to die."_

_Shepard snorted and rolled her eyes. "You're not going to die today, Alenko." She looked out the windshield. "Eh, the ground's getting a bit close, isn't it?"_

"_Yeah, that tends to happen when you drive off a cliff." He replied sarcastically._

"_Daddy, you know I don't like butterscotch pudding." Williams slurred in the back, twitching slightly. _

_Alenko looked back at her. "She's bleeding from the nose."_

"_Good for her." Shepard sat up and checked various gauges as warning bells began to ring. "Prepare for landing, lieutenant." She chuckled as she activated the small landing jets, which cushioned the landing enough for them to not be completely crushed by the impact. The forces jarred Shepard, which caused her to jerk the steering wheel to the side. The wheels caught on a large group of jagged rocks, and the vehicle was thrown into a series of flips. It eventually stopped, landing on all four wheels, and stood in a cloud of heavy red dust. Shepard looked around and found her helmet on the floor behind Alenko's seat. She reached over and picked it up, erupting into a fit of giggles. She looked over at Alenko._

"_See? Wasn't that fun!?" She pulled the helmet on, noting how deathly pale he looked. She reached over and waved a hand in front of his face. "Hello? Earth to Alenko!"_

_He sat completely still, staring unblinkingly out the window. She reached forward and smacked him in the face._

"_Hey! Snap out of it!"_

_He jumped and looked over at her. "…am I in hell?"_

_Shepard sighed. "Yeah, pretty much. Life is hell." _

_He sighed, then winced, holding his right side. "I think I have a few broken ribs…"_

_Shepard chuckled. "I wonder what Ash got, then." _

_Alenko spun around, a look of abject horror on his face. "Holy shit! We better get her back to the Normandy!" _

_Shepard looked back to see Williams lying in a small pool of her own blood. Her arm was sticking out in a grossly unnatural angle, and her left leg looked to be a bit mangled as well. Shepard blinked._

"_She looks fine to me." _

"_You're joking, right?"_

_Shepard gave him a blank look. "…yes. Joking."_

_He shot her a suspicious glare before turning around and checking to see if Williams was even conscious. That was a resounding 'no'. He checked her pulse, which seemed to be okay. "I think she'll make it."_

"_Yeah, that Williams is a trooper." Shepard stated blandly. "Joker, we're ready to be picked up." _

"_Alright, Commander. ETA: seven minutes."_

"_Copy that, Joker. Shepard out." She turned to Alenko. "You think she's going to last another seven minutes?"_

_Alenko glanced at Williams, who was beginning to stir. "More than likely. We should probably give her some medgel, though. She bound to be in pain."_

"_Naw. This'll help her learn the importance of restraining belts." _

"_But ma'am-"_

"_I said NO!" Shepard pointed at him menacingly. "No. Bad Alenko. No."_

_He scowled angrily. "Next time you drive, don't bring me along."_

* * *

Shepard gazed at Alenko, her head tilted to one side. "Hello? Earth to Kaiden!" He jumped slightly and gave her a strangely empty stare.

"There's not problem, ma'am."

Shepard regarded him suspiciously. "…good. Joker, we're good to go." She started up the Mako as the drop doors began to open. A beautiful scene of lofty, majestic mountains coupled with lush green valleys opened before their eyes. Alenko gaped at the landscape in awe.

"It's beautiful…"

"Eh." Shepard shrugged indifferently. "I wouldn't mind it if the atmosphere wasn't deadly. It kind of kills the experience when you have to lumber around in these environ suits."

"Approaching drop site in three, two, one…go!"

Shepard stepped on the gas and watched with a measured amount of boredom as the ground rushed towards them. She activated the landing jets and executed a perfect landing. "We're topside, Joker. I'll contact you for pickup. Shepard out." With that, she flicked on the long-range sensors, which really didn't show anything. She flicked the screen and cursed. "Well, looks like we're gonna have to do this the old fashioned way." With that, she chose the clearest path and took off, driving with reckless abandon.

"Whoah! Watch out for that boulder!" Vakarian yelled, cringing as she drove right over it, pumping her fist in exultation.

"Yeah! Did you see how much air we caught there!?"

"Hey! Look over there!" Alenko pointed to a crashed probe surrounded by purple monkey-looking animals. Shepard swerved and headed directly towards it, heedless of the little monkeys that were painting the tires a lovely shade of blue with their blood.

"Watch it! You're running over them!" Vakarian exclaimed, gesturing wildly.

Shepard snorted. "Who cares? They're just mutated monkeys. If anything, I'm saving the galaxy future troubles, since they'll probably eventually evolve into a human-like species, and we all know how much you aliens love us humans." Shepard noted dryly, swerving to hit another monkey. Vakarian shuddered.

"Do you _have_ to run them over?"

Shepard paused. "…yes."

Vakarian snorted as the Mako rolled to a stop.

"Let's go check out that probe. With any luck, we can retrieve the module and get off this planet as soon as possible. Alenko, go take a look."

"Yes ma'am." He jumped out and examined the probe for a few minutes before climbing back in, notably empty-handed. "I see you don't have the module."

Alenko sighed in frustration. "It wasn't there, ma'am. One of the monkeys must have taken it."

Shepard sighed and cocked her pistol. "Well, let's go find the unlucky monkey." She climbed out and started shooting every monkey she could find. Alenko and Vakarian seemed horrified.

"Commander! They're just monkeys!" Alenko exclaimed, sounding rather disturbed.

She turned and held up her hands. "Exactly! They're just monkeys!" With that, she started rooting through the corpses. "Where do you think they'd keep the module, anyway? I mean, it's not like they have pockets or anything…"

"Uh, I'd hazard a guess and say their _hands_." Vakarian replied, sounding more than a little sarcastic. Shepard huffed angrily.

"If you're not going to be helpful, wait in the Mako."

Vakarian was still for a moment. "I'll help, Commander." He started poking at dead monkeys with his foot, checking their hands for anything. "Nothing over here, Commander."

"Same here, ma'am." Alenko chimed in, sounding rather disappointed. Shepard growled angrily, kicking at a corpse.

"I didn't find anything, either!" She put her pistol away and pulled out her assault rifle. "You know what that means, boys…it's monkey hunting time." The two guys looked at each other uneasily. "Back in the Mako!"

They clambered back into the vehicle and strapped in tightly. Shepard checked the scanner again. "Hm…looks like there's an abandoned mine shaft over there." She tapped the screen lightly. "How much you wanna bet that that's where those damnable monkeys have their base of operations?"

"'Base of operations'?" Vakarian echoed incredulously. Their monkeys, Commander."

"_Evil_ monkeys." she corrected him as she drove over a rather large hill. "Who _steal_. Stealing is _bad_, therefore the monkeys are bad."

Both Alenko and Vakarian were disinclined to point out the flaws in their Commander's logic, and occupied themselves with staring out the window, trying to not get thrown around too much. They eventually showed up at an abandoned mine shaft swarmed by monkeys. Shepard revved the engine, a huge smile full of malice and ill-will planted on her face. Alenko shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He was going to say something, but was quickly cut off by Shepard's maniacal laughter as she mowed the monkey's down with the Mako. Alenko and Vakarian flinched with every monkey-sized thump. Eventually, Shepard had managed to hit every monkey.

"I wonder why they don't run." She commented lightly as she climbed out. "Alright, check the arms for the module." They all climbed out and searched through the gore unsuccessfully. "Damnit!" She kicked at a torso and sent it flying into the side of a nearby crate. "What the hell!!"

"Maybe they're in the mine shaft." Vakarian offered. Shepard pouted.

"I can't drive the Mako into that!" She sighed and pulled out her shotgun. "Let's just get this over with."

They climbed into the mine shaft and went through each room, where Shepard would kill the monkeys and the other two would check the corpses. They eventually found what they supposed was the lead monkey in the farthest room from the entrance. Shepard sighed and wiped monkey blood off her forehead.

"Yeah, of course. Always in the furthest room." She quickly shot the monkey in the head and wrenched the module from it's little monkey hands. "Right. Let's get the _fuck_ outta here. It's starting to smell."

Alenko, who had just heaved up his last meal, wiped his mouth and nodded weakly.

"You don't look so good." Shepard noted, frowning sympathetically as he slumped up against some crates left by whoever set up the mine. "You should probably take a Gravol or something. I don't want you puking all over the inside of the Mako."

Alenko grunted in response.

"He_really_ doesn't look well, Commander." Vakarian peered at Alenko's face, which was ghostly white.

"Maybe he's allergic to alien monkey guts." Shepard pondered this for a moment. "No matter. Let's get you back to the Normandy and have Dr. Chakwas take a look at you." She grabbed one of his arms and slung it over her shoulder while putting her arm around his waist for support, and hefted him to his feet. "Come on, let's go. Vakarian, keep an eye ahead in case there are more monkeys."

He gave her a strange look. "Uh…yes, Commander. Whatever you say." With that he made his way ahead, his rifle at the ready.

They eventually made their way out of the mine and managed to get Alenko half-sitting, half-slumped in the passenger's seat. He clutched at his head and groaned painfully. Shepard chewed her lip and stared at him.

"I wonder what's up with him…"

"I'm sure the doctor will be able to figure it out." Vakarian replied soothingly. "Let's just get off the planet."

"Right. Joker?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Get us the hell offa this piece of shit."

"You got it, Commander. ETA is five minutes."

"Sweet. Shepard out." She sat back and started up the Mako, looking at Alenko from time to time to make sure he wasn't going to spew all over the place.

Once back on the Normandy, Shepard lounged outside the med bay, waiting to see what Dr. Chakwas found out with regards to Alenko. The doctor walked out and nodded towards Shepard.

"So…is he allergic to monkey guts or what?"

Dr. Chakwas sighed. "_No_, he's not allergic to _monkey guts_. He just gets migraines from time to time from his L2 implant."

Shepard let out a sigh of relief. "Phew. I thought he was seriously ill or something."

"Migraines are serious." Dr. Chakwas said somewhat ominously. Shepard frowned.

"Okay! Sheesh! No need to get all ominous! As long as he's going to be fine."

"You know," Chakwas started, regarding Shepard with a strange glint to her eyes, "I find it strange how you stuck around to find out about the lieutenant, but was nowhere to be found when the gunnery chief was severely injured the last time you drove the Mako."

Shepard simply shrugged. "I hate her. I hate her _so much_."

Chakwas sighed. "That's not very professional of you, Commander."

Once again, Shepard simply shrugged. "Oh well." There was an awkward pause in conversation. "Well, I have things to do, so…bye." With that, she made her way to the bridge and walked up the little ramp to the galaxy map. "Joker, let's go to Feros and get all that colony crap out of the way."

"Aye aye, Commander." There was a brief silence. "There's a message for you from Admiral Hackett. I'll patch it through."

"Mmm. Thank's Joker." She replied dryly, glaring at nothing in particular.

"Commander Shepard! I hear you retrieved the module successfully." Admiral Hackett grumbled happily.

"Yeah, I sure did."

"Good. I'll make sure to mention this to the Council."

"Wait…don't you want the module?" Shepard exclaimed, gripping the railing in front of her.

"Naw, it's a piece of junk. I just wanted to see if you'd retrieve it. Once again, good job! Hackett out."

Shepard's knuckled were white, and the entire bridge staff could hear her grinding her teeth angrily. "That _douche bag!_"


	5. HOLY CRAP AN UPDATE!

Holy crap! An update! : O Quick! Kill it and eat its delicious flesh!

…okay, I'm finished making disturbing comments now, I think.

* * *

Shepard led Alenko and Williams through the Wards, stopping every once in a while to take in her surroundings. After twenty short breaks, Williams began to get suspicious.

"Hey, Commander." Williams narrowed her eyes slightly at her commanding officer as she whirled around.

"What do you want?" She barked back, scowling. Bitch broke her concentration…

Williams tried very hard not to grin. "You're completely lost, aren't you?"

Shepard let out a sharp snort. "I can say with 100% accuracy that I am _not_, in fact, lost. Know why?" She watched as her companions shook their heads. "Because I forget where I was going in the first place. Kinda hard to get lost when you're not going anywhere, now isn't it? Hah!"

"Are you serious??" Alenko replied, clearly shocked by her answer.

"Completely."

Alenko shifted uncomfortably under the stony gaze of his commander. "Oh. Well, I, uh, just thought you'd have more training in finding, you know…important things."

Shepard blinked a few times, her expression becoming rather nonchalant. "Well, I usually have a GPS or something, but I forgot to plug it in last night, so I figured I'd just wing it." She shrugged. "But seriously, I forgot what we were looking for or how we ended up _here_." She looked around to find that they had, at some point, wandered into the lower markets.

"You went down the stairs, ma'am." Williams replied with a snarky grimace. "Really, how did you even become a Commander?"

"You'd be amazed at where you can get if you give good-" Shepard took a moment to make a crude gesture with her hands and barely kept a straight face at Alenko's horrified reaction.

"Commander, you don't seriously mean that-"

Shepard burst out laughing. "Hell no! I got here because I'm _really_ good at killing things!" She continued to chuckle as Alenko rubbed at his temples. "So, who are we looking for now?"

Williams let out an impatient huff. "We have to get to Dr. Michelle's clinic to find Garrus Vakarian, remember?"

"Oh! Right!" Shepard promptly turned on her heels and made a beeline for the stairs. "I remember walking past that on my way to wherever the hell it was I was going that one time when I walked past there."

"Good to know." Williams replied, muttering something less friendly under her breath.

"Holy _crap_! You're Shepard! Hey Shepard! Over here!"

The three of them watched, dumbfounded, as the man standing at the top of the stairs waved them over, even though they were all of five feet away from him. Shepard spared a quick, confused glance over her shoulder before tentatively approaching the man.

"Uh…can I help you?"

"Oh _man!_ It really _is_ you!" The man quickly rearranged his hair and smoothed down the wrinkles in his shirt before offering his hand. "I'm Conrad Verner! It's an honour to meet you, Shepard!"

Shepard paused for a moment before grasping his hand in a quick handshake, making sure to squeeze a little too hard and making a mental note to buy hand sanitizer. Nevermind the fact that she was wearing gloves. "Yeah. Thanks, I guess." She was about to walk away when the man started talking again.

"I heard about what you did on Eden Prime." He pointed a finger at her and she cocked an eyebrow in confusion at the gesture. "They said you killed hundreds of geth!"

Shepard shrugged. "I guess so. The whole incident is a bit hazy."

"Why?" Conrad furrowed his brows in concern. "Did you have flashbacks to Akuze?"

"What the hell are you talking about? I was never on Akuze." Shepard shot him a disturbed glance before continuing. "Anyway, I blame the haziness on that stupid Prothean beacon and its mind rape and subsequent explosion. The whole ordeal was rather unpleasant, I'll admit." She rubbed her head and frowned slightly. "And blunt force trauma to the head never gets easier to deal with."

There was a moment of silence where Conrad just stared at her. "…oh." There was another awkward silence. "Hey, can I have your autograph?"

"Sure! But if I find out that you used my signature for purchasing something or anything like that and I'll hunt you down, reach down your throat, and pull your intestines out your mouth!" She tittered lightly as she signed her name and handed it back to Conrad. "Stay out of trouble now, you hear me?" She clicked her tongue, winked, and pointed a finger at him before wandering off. She finally let the fake smile fall from her face as soon as she was out of earshot of the man. "I hope I never have to deal with _that_ again."

They quickly made their way to the clinic, where they were greeted by closed doors. Shepard pursed her lips. "I really wish we had flashbangs."

Alenko shot her a confused look. "What?"

"Eh, nevermind." She pulled her assault rifle off her back, and the other two followed suit. "On three: one, two….five!"

"Three, ma'am!" Williams barked, clearly not impressed. "That's the number that comes after two."

Shepard smacked the palm of her hand to her forehead. "Way to ruin the reference, Williams. Punishment will be riding the elevator for two hours straight. You begin after we clear this clinic up." She ignored Williams' horrified stare as she opened the clinic door and held her assault rifle at the ready. There were two thugs standing threateningly in front of the doctor, and probably more off to the hiding behind some random crates shoved into the back corner of the room. Shepard thought that was a bit odd, along with the turian skulking behind the half wall that divided the room. but there was nothing she could do about it at the moment.

"Now, if Garrus comes around, you keep your mouth shut or you'll-" The man suddenly noticed the three heavily armed people in the doorway. He grabbed Dr. Michelle as he pulled his pistol out and pointed it at Shepard. "Who are you?!"

"James Dean!" Shepard yelled back, obviously flustered. It was all for the best, however, because her answer caused the thug to cock his head to the side at just the right angle for Garrus to make a clean shot. The thug fell to the floor in a heap, Dr. Michelle looked like she was about to have a mental breakdown, and three other thugs opened fire on Shepard's team. They quickly took cover behind the half wall, where Williams took the opportunity to give her commanding offer an incredulous look.

"_James Dean?_"

"Shut up, Williams! Make that three hours in the elevator now!" Shepard barked back as she took one of the thugs out with a couple of shots to the chest. Getting rather bored of the whole shooting thing, she chucked a grenade over her shoulder and set it off. The blast took out the remaining two thugs, but left the crates completely intact. Odd.

They did a quick sweep of the room to make sure it was secure before approaching Garrus and Dr. Michelle, both of whom were just hanging out in the corner of the room like nothing had happened.

"Perfect timing, Shepard." Garrus did the weird pointing thing, just like Conrad had. She was beginning to suspect that it was a Citadel thing. "You gave me a clear shot at that bastard."

Shepard shrugged and scraped some flesh off the bottom of her boot. "Yeah. I do what I can. Good thing you took him down clean." She spared a glance at the carnage behind her. "Not speaking literally, of course."

"Sometimes you get lucky." Garrus replied before he turned to Dr. Michelle. "Dr. Michelle, are you hurt?"

She rubbed the back of her head and sighed. "No, I'm okay thanks to you. All of you."

"And James Dean." Alenko quipped as he tried not to smirk. Any joviality in the situation was quickly put to rest as he took in the smouldering gaze of rage directed at him by Shepard.

"You want to spend time in the elevators too?" She seemed satisfied as he shook his head silently, and she returned her attention to the doctor. "Why were they threatening you? Who do they work for?? Talk, bitch!" Shepard raised her hand as if to backhand the doctor before she caught herself and lowered her arm with an apologetic shrug. "Sorry. I got carried away."

Dr. Michelle flinched and gave Shepard a wary glare. "They work for Fist. They wanted to shut me up and stop me from telling Garrus about the quarian."

"Does she have something that will help in the investigation against Saren?" Shepard asked, duly intrigued. Garrus nodded.

"I think it might. Dr. Michelle," he turned to face the doctor once more, "tell us what happened."

The doctor hunched up her shoulders. "It was a dark and stormy night in the Wards. The corridors were completely deserted, and the emptiness left the bitter taste of darkness in my throat. That's when I felt it…something _evil_ was coming. I-"

"Oh, cut the theatrical bullshit and get to the point, or I _will_ backhand you!" Shepard growled, raising her hand once more. The doctor flinched once again and sighed.

"Fine. A quarian came by my office a few days ago. She was shot, but wouldn't tell me who did it. She was scared, and probably on the run." Dr. Michelle did the weird pointing thing, and Shepard furrowed her brow in annoyance. She was starting to get sick of everyone pointing at her. She pushed those thoughts aside as the doctor continued blabbing. "She wanted to know about the Shadow Broker. She said she wanted to trade information for a safe place to hide, so I put her in contact with Fist. He was an agent for the Shadow Broker."

"Not anymore. Now he works for Saren." Garrus cut in. "And the Shadow Broker isn't too happy about it."

"Wait…Fist betrayed the Shadow Broker?" Dr. Michelle sneered. "That _stupid_, even for him!"

"Yeah yeah, blah blah evidence against Saren blah yak yak something to do with the geth. I got it, I got it." Shepard huffed impatiently. "I think it's time we paid a visit to Foot."

"You mean Fist?" Williams asked while raising an eyebrow.

"Hey. You can correct me after _you've_ been mind raped by a Prothean beacon, okay?" That seemed to shut her up.

"Look Shepard, I know this is your show, but I want to bring Saren down as much as you do. I'm coming with you!"

Shepard gave Garrus a scrutinizing look before grinning evilly. "Why, it just so happens that there's an opening in the team." She turned to give Williams a nasty glare. "Have fun on the elevators. Return to the _Normandy _when you're finished." She watched for a few moments as the other woman stalked out of the room, then turned back to Garrus with a smile. "Welcome aboard, Garrus."

He nodded and shifted his weight uneasily. "You know, we aren't the only ones after Fist. The Shadow Broker hired a krogan bounty hunter to take him out."

"Hmm…" Shepard tapped her chin thoughtfully. "A krogan might come in handy. I hear they're good at…uh…stuff. You know, things." She glanced around the room awkwardly. Thankfully, Garrus didn't seem to care that his new commanding officer was acting rather strangely.

"Last I heard, he was at the C-Sec academy. Fist accused him of making threats, so we brought him in there for a little talk. If you hurry you can catch him at the academy before he leaves."

"I guess that's our next destination then." Shepard rubbed her eyes and sighed. "Let's move out."

* * *

Meh. That's all I feel like writing. Review or whatever. :V


	6. Simons Says Read This, Damnit

An update? Yes. A miracle, I know.

Just a quick note: if you plan on sending a message about how they're all OOC, don't bother. I already know that.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I'm not making money off this. Blah blah blah.

* * *

A single bead of sweat slowly crawled down Shepard's forehead, all but ignored as she stared intently at the door panel in front of her, her hand hovering centimeters away from the console. She absentmindedly swiped at the perspiration with the back of her other hand and blinked rapidly as dust from the now silent mercenary base fell into her eye. There was the possibility that it was ash too, though. She had grown rather fond of using that wicked incendiary ammo mod she had picked off someone's dead corpse along the way… she licked her lips and tried not to think about possibly having dead people in her eye.

"Come on, Shepard, we've been standing here for _five_ minutes already!" Garrus crossed his arms and huffed in irritation. "Just hack the door already!"

"Would you shut your face, goddamnit!" Shepard growled back and narrowed her eyes, not looking away from the door. "I don't have enough omnigel to use if I screw this up, and I just finished selling all the useless shit. And you know that I was never good at Simon Says games…" A look of distaste crossed Shepard's features as she recalled that particular part of her military training. Her demeanour lightened significantly as she also recalled hurling the small electronic game into her instructor's face, causing a broken nose and black eye.

"Then don't screw up." Garrus shot back, earning an angry snarl from his commander.

Tali shifted uncomfortably. "Er, Shepard, I'm pretty good with electronics. If you want, I can-"

"No thanks, Tali. I won't be defeated by four goddamn blinking lights!" Shepard nodded curtly to herself, a show of strengthened resolve, and resolutely activated the console with a solid punch. Her omnitool activated and began the hacking program. Four coloured circles were displayed, and the battle began.

"Green, Shepard! Green!" Tali squealed, pointing insistently at the bottom circle.

"Yeah, I got it!" Shepard snapped back as she hit the corresponding button on her omnitool. Almost immediately the yellow circle lit up.

"It's yellow, Shepard." Garrus chimed in, not bothering to hide the patronizing tone in his voice.

"For fuck's sake! I know the colours of the fucking rainbow, damnit!" Shepard hit the yellow button with extreme prejudice as she grumbled irritably to herself. Another bead of sweat had trickled down her forehead, and she wiped at it angrily. "Do you think I'm goddamned colour blind or what?"

"It's blue, Shepard! Hit the blue!" Tali screeched and pranced uneasily in place. Shepard's eye began to twitch as she hit the blue button.

"Green! Purple! Orange! Black! Red! White! Grey!" Garrus bellowed, his voice reverberating eerily through the silent building.

"Oh, for _fuck's_ sake, Garrus!" Shepard roared and turned her back to the console so she could face Garrus, who involuntarily took an unsteady step backward and prayed that he wouldn't be taken to the Citadel and forced to ride the elevators for hours on end.

"No Shepard! Red! RED!" Tali flailed about nervously as Shepard stared at her blankly, startled out of her rage towards Garrus. "RED, YOU BOSH'TET!"

Shepard's eyes grew wide as she realized what Tali was going on about, and she flung herself around with a frantic 'oh shit', but it was already too late by the time she had turned around. She was locked out. "WHAT THE SHIT!" She pounded on the door angrily and let out an enraged screech before slowly turning to face Garrus. She narrowed her eyes dangerously at him and held out her hand. "Assault rifle. Now."

Garrus blinked dumbly at her a couple times before responding. "Uh…what?"

"Give me your assault rifle _now._" She ground out angrily as she flexed her hand in the universally acknowledged 'gimme that' motion. Her glower intensified exponentially as he clutched his rifle to him and took a half step away from her.

"What? What do you need my rifle for?"

"What the hell do you think, Einstein?" She didn't care that the reference was lost on him. "Besides, I gave you that rifle, and I can take it away." He looked as though he was going to argue, but quickly shut up as she kicked her glare up a notch. "I can make that an order, Officer Vakarian."

Reluctantly, he held his rifle out to her, a look of profound loss and regret on his face. Shepard unceremoniously snatched the weapon away from him, removed the upgrades, and held the gun up to her omnitool. "Okay little buddy, omnigel the mofo!"

Through a process that defies any explanation, be it logical, fantastic, or batshit insane, Shepard's omnitool converted the gun into four equally sized and equally disturbing piles of a gelatinous consistency and questionable origin. Shepard gathered the omnigel, most likely with some sort of omnigel vacuum app on her omnitool or something equally strange (Omnigel Scooper v.3.0.1?). She then proceeded to take said gel and haphazardly slathered it over the locked door console until the door flew open. Who knew gel could be so criminally lucrative?

"Huzzah." Shepard wiped her hand off on the wall before proceeding into the room, not so closely followed by Garrus and Tali, and tried to not think about how that just worked. It seemed she spent a vast majority of time trying to not think of things. She supposed that it was either that or wonder who the hell thought it would be an awesome idea to make a locking mechanism that could be bypassed by smearing gel over it in the event that you failed the simple flashing colours game. That would be a horrible thing for her to think about, because it would inevitably lead to her wondering why she always seemed to fail at the incredibly simple flashing colours game, and that train of thought could have only two conclusions: depression, or a homicidal rampage brought on by insanity.

"This had better be worth it…" Garrus grumbled darkly under his breath as they searched the room. There were some nice armour and weapon upgrades, a nice stash of medigel, and a small cache of credits in an empty cereal box hidden behind a broken computer console. The only thing left to investigate was a small weapons locker in the far corner.

"I call dibs!" Shepard trotted over and dropped to one knee to get a closer look at the crate. "_Shit_!"

"What?" Tali looked up from the computer terminal she had hacked (she was checking to see if she had any new messages on an all-Quarian dating site) and flinched slightly as Shepard jumped to her feet and gave the crate an angry kick, obviously frustrated.

"The damn thing is LOCKED!" Shepard roughly ran her hand through her hair and looked at Tali, an almost malicious glint in her eyes. "Hope you're not too attached to that shotgun."

* * *

What's up with all the gel, anyway? Medical gel, magical fix-it-all gel…well, I guess that's only two gels. Well…there goes that point right out the window, which would probably be made of some sort of gel in the game. Meh.

If there's any horrible spelling mistakes, please tell me. Most grammatical mistakes were noticed and duly ignored.


End file.
